Burrito, Burrato

Mexican cooks are like Dr. Seuss: they can do so much with so little. In the same way that Theodor Geisel could take a couple of words, “cat,” “hat,” “eggs” and “ham” and make a masterpiece, a Mexican can take some tortillas, a meat product, salsa and one or two other ingredients and create a party in your mouth so good, it’s as if Hugh Hefner moved the Playboy Mansion down to Rio De Janeiro to celebrate his birthday on Mardi Gras, which just so happened to fall on New Year’s eve on the same day his grandson was having his bar mitzvah.

I was recently catching up with an old friend, and we got on the topic of Mexican food. She said, “I’ve had this one dish, I forget what it’s called, but it’s got tortilla, beans, cheese, meat and salsa.” The only problem is this is literally the description of almost all Mexican food: tacos, sopes, bocoles, gringas, gorditas, enchilladas, tostadas, burrito, carnitas, chilaquiles, tlayuda, and taquitos to name but a few. It’s like saying, I met this one American who didn’t know anything about the rest of the world, or, I don’t remember much about the manatee I saw, except that it was obese, now do you know which one I’m talking about?

This soup is tortilla, meat and cheese. Mexican food is like the T1000 from Terminator 2; it can take on an infinite number of forms.

Don’t ask me how it works, but all the food is different and it all tastes completely amazing. Of course when it comes to a distinguished palate you shouldn’t take my word, because I’ll eat anything: my own fist, things on the floor, dog treats, ear wax, toenails, etc. Instead, chew on this, (pun intended) Mexican food is the only national cuisine currently on the UNESCO Intangible Cultural Heritage Site. So, it’s not just my garbage truck of a mouth that thinks this stuff is scrumptious. If puppies, winning lottery tickets and jet skis somehow came together to form this edible, blissful nexus of deliciousness it would be Mexican food.

Now I can hear you, John and Jane Q gringo reader, saying, “But, I’ve had Mexican before, and I know what it’s all about.” Well, I’ve got news for you dedicated reader; the yellow “Old El Paso” kits are full of shit. (Not literally of course...Taco Bell on the other hand...).

Chilaquiles,a breakfast dish of... you guessed it... tortilla, meat, and salsa

Below is a list of some of the stark contrasts between Mexican food and Americanized Mexican food.

Number 1: The hard, U-shaped taco shell doesn’t exist. (In fact, the idea was first published in a cookbook in Santa Fe, New Mexico, AMERICA in 1949). For tacos in Mexico, it’s soft tortillas.

These Old El Paso kits are to Mexican food as Fox News is to reporting.

Number 2: While meat is a staple (and by staple, I mean nail gun) ground beef isn’t one of them. You can buy insanely cheap little tacos here for around 30 cents, but even these are packed with meat of a higher quality then the minced-up slop left on the slaughter house floor.

Number 3: The fajita. I have still yet to go to restaurant where a waiter/waitress carries a cast-iron tray of smouldering veggies and meat that sizzle so much you expect Smokey the Bear to run into the restaurant and start giving his pitch. On a side note if you’re every feeling glum and merely need someone to notice you, I suggest you go to an American chain restaurant and order fajitas. It’s impossible not to stare at the volcano of a plate and give the person who ordered them 15 seconds of attention.

Number 4: Myth number 4 revolves around salsa. Now, don’t get me wrong, salsa exists. It’s ubiquitous, the only difference is unlike gringo salsa, Mexican salsa doesn’t come in a jar and it doesn’t pride itself on being “thick” and/or “chunky.” (It’s a garnish not vomit). Instead their salsas are already on the table in a thick, stone bowl called a molcajete. Regardless of where you eat, there is one thing you can be certain of with these salsas – they’ve got some kick to them.

In short, while you think your outings to Pink Taco Mexican Grill, or Mex I Can are a cultural dining treat, be aware that there’s a whole other culinary experience south of the border.